Alive(?) from London – 21 – What did it all mean? edition

Pinky swear this is the last time OK? Please indulge me one more time and than we’ll go back to Italian. C’mon, you know you want to. Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Hey were is everybody?

Damn.

Anyway I was still groveling in self-pity and auto-commiseration when I started wondering: what did it all mean? How could I have been so blind to the nature of this girl? What did I actually do to her to deserve nothing but lies for years? When somebody lies to you on something so damn big, how can you not consider everything else she told you a lie? Am I not seeing something here? Do I not want to see something? Is the lie a lie in and by itself? Am I going crazy here? Was I not crazy before? Was she lying before, or is she lying now?

I honestly don’t know the answer to any of those questions.

Right now I’m having bad days and very bad days. The bad days are those days in which I don’t spend the majority of my time going through imaginary conversations with her. Asking what I really would like to know, trying to imagine all the possible answers and moving on to the following scenario. Working nights alone is definitely a bad thing here. I have too much time to think.

I have to run conversations in my head not just because I either am crazy or clearly soon to be, but because there is no way I could actually have that kind of conversation with her. Not just because I doubt I’ll ever hear from her again (although that is a big part of it) but also because whenever we talked about what happened she either started crying  (or went very close to) or put on the table so many problems of her own that I really couldn’t do it (she also kept changing versions and giving me different answers every time which doesn’t help either). Despite all she did to me I still can’t just flat out unleash on her. I can’t get angry because I think she feels bad enough already.

I also like to think that she feels bad for what she did to me, but deep enough I know that’s not the case. And so I’m left to wonder: what did it all mean?

Lying to me from the first day. On the most important things. And me too stupid to give credit to my suspects. For a guy that lives in paranoia, always thinking there are ulterior motives to everything and that coincidence is never an accident I sure as hell dropped the ball on that one. Big time.